I had a horrible nightmare that I was the author of a blog full of horrible scientific inaccuracies such as bacteria with faces that can talk.
Then I woke up to find that it was no nightmare.
It seems that some dark backwater of my subconscious feels that I'm doing a disservice to science by making it palatable through egregious scientific falsehoods and is now rebelling.
So now what do I do with this information? Should I issue a Beatrice the Apologist letter?
Dear Readers and My Subconscious,
I am deeply and unendingly sorry for the surely crippling confusion I may have caused you with respect to the debate currently being waged in the bowels of the internet concerning whether or not bacteria can or should be portrayed with various humanesque features such as eyes and mouths and how this may or may not relate to your ability to sleep at night.
But that wasn't the real apology. I just really wanted to write an unnecessarily long sentence.
Here is the real apology:
Dear Yous Guys,
I want to apologize if I have confused anyone about the physical appearance of bacteria. I mostly want to emphasize their lack of anything remotely resembling a face or face area. Bacteria are microscopic, single-celled, and most definitely faceless.
In my attempt to familiarize you with them and make them seem less menacing, I have given them faces. This is not accurate. I should have known that lying is not the appropriate way to get anyone interested in science.
Okay, subconscious. You win. I should know that the real way to do this is to tell the truth. The whole truth. Nothing but.
Bacteria do not have faces.
They do not have hats.
They do not have shoes.
They do not have mustaches or monacles or manpurses.
They do not know how to operate a toaster.
But despite all of this, they are your friends.
That is the truth. Now leave me alone, brain.